Ask Amy: I miss the friends I lost when I got divorced

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dear amy: I have been divorced for two years. I see my two young daughters frequently and have a decent relationship with my ex.

Several friends from my college days have decided to side with my ex-wife.

There was no taking sides as I believe our divorce was our business and not theirs. Some just didn’t say anything, and others have indicated that they’re surprised by our marriage failure and don’t want to be around the person (supposedly me) who caused the failure — which, of course, is a classic,” he said, she said. ”

But I recognize that they are free to choose. In a furious moment, I unfollowed all of these people on social media, but now I miss keeping up with their families and their lives, even through a screen.

I considered writing each of them an email or letter as a mea culpa, wishing them well and asking them to meet again. Is this the best course of action or should I leave sleeping dogs lying around?

I’m in a new healthy relationship but I’m longing for friends from the past who seemingly stepped aside at a moment that was uncomfortable for them, but one when I needed them most.

missing friends: These people have all completely disappeared from your life at this point, and therefore there is no disadvantage in reaching out to you.

They’ll either accept your bid and let you in, or continue to respect your unfriended status.

However, I detect a certain tone in your request. From your description, it sounds like you left the household and your wife is now the primary parent raising the children.

Given these details and the fact that you abruptly cut ties with all of these people, you behave like a protagonist who is now dealing with the consequences of his decisions.

Yes, divorce is awful, especially when children are involved.

Friends choose sides, and while that seems cowardly, they often choose to identify with the parent who has the children and the home, especially when they also have children and there is a strong social history between the families.

Your apparent frustration and defensiveness will not help your case.

Your mea culpa might include, “That was the hardest time of my life. The dust seems to have settled and we’re in a pretty good place. I’m working on my own problems and making progress. I find I really miss seeing updates about your life. We share such a long and rich history. I hope to reconnect, at least through social media.”

dear amy: My nephew will be graduating from high school this month and I was not invited to either the graduation or an open house.

I saved a significant amount of money to give it to him but am now debating whether to send it at all.

I never get a thank you from him (or his parents, for that matter) for any gifts I send on birthdays and holidays.

Now I think I’d rather use the money for expenses I have, but I know this will sever a very flimsy relationship I have with my brother.

What do you think? My brother already knows how much I saved. So if I send less, he’ll probably point it out to me.

Frustrated: If your brother knows how much you have saved for his son and he doesn’t even bother to include you in one of their graduation parties, then I would say that this family is not at all keen on receiving gifts from you .

I think you should siphon off a very modest amount from your savings, put it in a card for your nephew and consider this matter dead and closed.

If that money of yours is the thread that dangles your relationship, then I think you should cut it.

You’re officially off the hook forever. Enjoy your liberation. I hope you treat yourself to something nice.

dear amy: “swimming parents‘ is pressured into transporting a neighbor’s daughter to and from swim practice with no help from the neighbors.

I agree that’s not right, but this parent shows respect and kindness towards these girls. You will both remember it.

Was there: I agree. Respect and Kindness: Harder to master than the butterfly style.

©2022 by Amy Dickinson, distributed by Tribune Content Agency

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